Almond Page 13

  A few kids prowling around the school entrance shoved me on my way in. I told them I’d come to see Steamed Bun. He was the only one I could ask about where Gon might be. He might know the kinds of places that would welcome Gon.

  Steamed Bun walked toward me from a distance. He was skinny and his shadow looked like a skewer. Up close, his hands and feet and face were so huge they looked like fruit dangling from branches. At his nod, the other kids began taking turns prodding my ribs and searching my pockets. Once Steamed Bun realized I had nothing to offer, he asked, “What does a Goody Two-shoes like you want with me?”

  “Gon isn’t around. I thought you might know where he is. Don’t worry, whatever you say, I won’t tell the grown-ups.”

  Unexpectedly, he answered right away: “Steel Wire.” He shrugged, cocking his head left and right a couple times with a loud crack. “That bastard must’ve gone to Steel Wire. I’m telling ya, I have nothing to do with this. Steel Wire is out of my league. I’m still a student, after all,” said Steamed Bun as he turned and tapped his backpack.

  “Where is he?” I simply asked, as the name Steel Wire didn’t roll off the tongue yet.

  Steamed Bun’s cheek twitched. “Why? You gonna go after him? I don’t recommend it.”

  “Yes,” I replied curtly. I had no time to fool around. Tsk Tsk, Steamed Bun clicked, and hesitated for a while before he finally gave me the name of a port town not too far from our city.

  “There’s a farmer’s market there, and at the end of it you’ll see an old shoe store. All I know is they sell dance shoes. I haven’t been there myself. Good luck. Although it’ll be useless.” Steamed Bun made a gun with his fingers, pointed it at my head, and mouthed bang, before he swaggered out of sight.

  65

  Dora stopped by before I went to find Gon. She sat there for a long while before she apologized.

  “I didn’t know you were close to Leesu. If I had known, I wouldn’t have said that to him. Still, someone needed to speak up and stop him.” She started out soft but by the end her voice was strong. “I still can’t wrap my head around it. How did you end up becoming friends with someone like him . . .” she mumbled.

  Someone like him. Yes, that was what everybody must’ve thought of Gon. I was one of them. I told Dora the same thing I had said to Dr. Shim. That if I understood Gon, I thought I could somehow understand what happened to Mom and Granny. I wanted to give it a try so that I could unlock at least one secret in life.

  “So did you find out?”

  I shook my head. “But I found something else.”

  “What?”

  “Gon.”

  Dora shrugged and shook her head.

  “But why do you have to go searching for him?” she asked for the last time.

  “Because I’ve realized he is my friend.”

  That was my answer.

  66

  The sea breeze was salty and fishy. The kind of smell that erased the seasons and directions altogether. I sneaked into the farmer’s market as if I was being pushed by the wind. People were in line for a popular sweet-and-sour chicken place.

  It turned out Steamed Bun wasn’t great at giving directions. I asked around for the dance shoes store, but it was nowhere to be found. I wandered in the market for a long time before I stumbled into an alley that seemed more like a maze. It was a dizzying tangle and I went wherever my feet took me.

  Darkness in winter settled quickly. One moment you noticed it gathering, the next moment everything turned inky black. I heard a strange sound from somewhere. It sounded like a squeak, or a newborn puppy’s cry. Then the sound was layered with a few more voices and laughter. I turned to the sound and saw a half-open entrance to a dark building. It was a shoddy iron gate, swaying in the wind. I heard snickers. Suddenly, a strange chill crept down my spine. I tried to think of a word that would describe the feeling. This was familiar. But I couldn’t think of the word.

  Just then, the gate creaked open and a group of kids came rushing out. I quickly hid behind the wall. They looked around my age or a few years older, giggling as they vanished into the night. Again, a familiar feeling crept over me.

  There, I caught sight of a high heel lying in front of the door. A fancy shoe covered in gold sparkles. I flipped it over and saw soft leather glued to its sole. It looked like a Latin dance shoe. As if the shoe was showing me where to go, there was a set of stairs leading below. I padded down the stairs in the dark. At the foot of them were piles of boxes and another thick iron gate with a long steel latch. I stood in front of the door. I could open it from my side but the rustiness took me some time. Finally, I managed to remove the latch and opened the door.

  There was clutter everywhere. Heaps of junk were littered in the dirty, shabby room. It looked like a secret hideout but I couldn’t guess what was going on inside.

  I heard a rustle. Then our eyes met. Gon. He sat hugging his knees on the floor. Small, pitiful Gon, more ragged than he had been, and alone. Déjà vu. That was the term I had been searching for. Family Game coursed through my mind. The shopkeeper’s cry. The younger me, lost. The moment when Mom pulled me into a tight embrace at the police station. Fast-forward, and two women collapsing in front of me . . . I shook my head. Now was not the time to think of those things. Because before me was not the shopkeeper’s dead son, but Gon, who was still alive.

  67

  Gon glared at me. Of course, I must’ve been the last person he expected to see there.

  “What are you doing here? How did you get here, dammit . . .” he barely spat out in a gruff voice. Somehow he had bruises and scratches all over him, his face pale.

  “I went to see Steamed Bun. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell anybody, including your dad.”

  Before I even finished the word “dad,” Gon seized an empty can next to him and chucked it. The can flew through the air, hit the dusty ground, and spun a few times.

  “What happened to you? Let’s call the police first,” I said.

  “The police? You’re fucking funny. Hunting me down like the fucking fuzz.” Saying that, Gon burst into strange laughter. Unnecessarily loud laughter with one hand on his belly, throwing back his head and howling. He spat words like “You think I’ll thank you for this?” I cut his laughter short.

  “Don’t laugh like that. It doesn’t suit you. It doesn’t even sound like laughing.”

  “And now you’re telling me how to fucking laugh? I’ll do what I wanna do and be where I wanna be so why don’t you mind your own business, you fucking psycho. Who do you think you are, huh? Who the fuck do you . . .”

  Gon’s voice was quieting down. I waited, watching him trembling slightly. His face had changed a lot in just a few days. A black shadow had settled on his now-rough skin. Something had drastically altered him.

  “Let’s go home,” I said.

  “Fuck that. Don’t act all cool. Get the fuck out of here while you can. Before it’s too late,” Gon growled.

  “What are you going to do here? Do you think enduring all this will make you strong? This isn’t strong. It’s just pretending to be.”

  “Don’t talk like you know everything, asshole. Who are you to be fucking preaching at me?” Gon shouted. But strangely, his eyes started to freeze. I heard faint footsteps. They were getting closer by the second and stopped at the gate.

  “I told you to fuck off,” Gon said, his face contorting. Then he came in.

  68

  He looked more like a giant shadow than a person. He could’ve been in his twenties or even his mid-thirties, depending on the angle. He wore a thick, shabby coat, khaki corduroy pants, and a bucket hat. His face was barely visible, as he had on a mask. It was a strange outfit. He was Steel Wire.

  “Who’s this?” Steel Wire asked Gon. If a snake could speak, it would’ve sounded like him. Gon bit his lips, so I answered for him.

  “I’m his friend.”

  Steel Wire raised his eyebrows. A couple of wrinkles appeared on his forehead.

 
“How did your friend find this place? Forget that, why is your friend here?”

  “To get Gon.”

  Slowly, Steel Wire sat down on a creaking chair. His long shadow folded in half too.

  “I think you’ve got the wrong idea, kid. You think you’re some kind of a hero?” he muttered in a low voice. His tone was soft, it could even come across as friendly, if you didn’t pay attention to what he was actually saying.

  “Gon’s father is waiting for him. He has to go home.”

  “Shut up!” Gon shouted. He then whispered something to Steel Wire, who listened and nodded a few times.

  “Oh, you’re that kid. Gon’s told me about you. I don’t know if that kind of disease really exists, but no wonder your expression didn’t change a bit when I walked in. Most people who see me don’t react like you did.”

  “I’m taking Gon home,” I repeated. “Let him go.”

  “What you gon’ do, Gon? You wanna leave with your friend?”

  Gon bit his lips then smirked. “You think I’m crazy? There’s no way I’m leaving with that asshole.”

  “Great. Friendship only lasts so long. It’s just a word. There are many meaningless words out there.” Steel Wire stood up from the chair, bent down, and fished something out of his coat pocket. It was a sharp, slim knife. Every time its blade reflected the light, it glinted with a blinding flash.

  “Remember I showed you this? Told you we could use it one day.”

  Gon’s mouth opened slowly. Steel Wire pointed the tip of the blade at Gon.

  “Have a go at it.”

  Gon swallowed hard. His breathing must’ve quickened, because his chest began to heave.

  “Oh, look at you, all scared. This is just your first time, so you don’t have to go all the way. Take it easy and just have fun with it.”

  Steel Wire grinned as he took off his hat. There, I saw a familiar face. It took me a second to realize whose face it was—either Michelangelo’s David or one of the many faces known for their iconic beauty I’d seen in textbooks. That same beauty was in Steel Wire’s face. His skin was fair and his lips rosy. Light brown hair, and long, lush eyelashes. Deep, clear eyes. God had given the face of an angel to the wrong person.

  69

  Steel Wire and Gon were from the same youth detention center. They had briefly seen each other around from a distance. Steel Wire’s exploits and sagas were so extreme and dangerous that they were discussed only in private. According to one rumor, Steel Wire had gotten his nickname because he used a steel wire for one of his crimes. I remember Gon telling me about Steel Wire at great length as if he were reciting the biography of some great man.

  Steel Wire thought it was boring to work for other people and blend in with society. In fact, he had mapped out his own road. A road that reached a point where no one had gone before. I didn’t quite understand it, but apparently many kids were captivated by that strange world, and Gon was one of them.

  “Steel Wire thinks this country should legalize guns like in the U.S. and Norway, so we can have shooting sprees sometimes. That way we can wipe out the shitty people all at once. Isn’t that cool? That guy is crazy strong.”

  “Do you think that makes him strong?”

  “Of course. He’s not afraid of anyone. Like you. I wanna be like that.”

  Gon had said this one summer night. The day when he told me everything about himself.

  70

  Now Gon was holding a knife in front of me. His breathing was loud, as if he were breathing into my ears. What would he do? What did he want to prove from all this? His wavering pupils glistened like large marbles.

  “Let me just ask you this. Is this what you really want?” I asked quietly. But one of Gon’s things is cutting someone short. He kicked me hard in the side before I could finish my words. I was slammed into the window from the force of the kick. Glass cups next to me shattered on the floor.

  There are kids who boast of how young they were when they started stealing and fooling around with girls, and what landed them in the juvenile center. They need such stories or tokens to be accepted into their gangs. Gon enduring the beatings from the other kids was perhaps a rite of passage in that sense. But to me, all those things were only proof of their weakness. It was a manifestation of their vulnerability because they longed for strength.

  The Gon I knew was just an immature fifteen-year-old boy. A weak softie who just pretended to be strong.

  “I said, is this what you really want?” I asked again. Gon was panting. “Because I don’t think it is.”

  “Shut up.”

  “I don’t think this is what you want, Gon.”

  “I said, shut the fuck up.”

  “You are not that kind of person.”

  “Fuck,” he shouted, half crying. A nail on the wall must’ve pricked my leg, because it was bleeding. Gon saw and started weeping like a child. Yes, this was who he was. The kind of person who tears up at a drop of blood, who feels pain for others’ pain.

  “I told you, you’re not that kind.”

  Gon turned his back on me as he put up his elbows to cover his eyes, his body trembling.

  “That’s you. That’s all you are,” I said.

  “Good for you . . . Fucking good for you that you feel nothing. I wish I could be the same . . .” he mumbled through his cries.

  “Let’s go.” I offered my hand. “Let’s get out of here.”

  “You go, asshole. I don’t fucking know you.”

  Gon had finally stopped crying and started cussing at me. As if this were his only way out. He cussed like a barking dog.

  “Stop.” Steel Wire raised his hand to stop Gon. “No more childish drama in front of me, kids.” He turned to me. “Take him if you want. But you have to give me something in return. You guys have such a wonderful friendship, surely it must be worth something to you, right?” Steel Wire quietly rubbed his chin. I could see Gon’s face going pale. “So, what can you do, kid? For Gon?”

  His voice was soft, his intonation rising pleasantly at the end of his sentence as he gave me a smile. I had been taught that was a gesture of kindness. But I knew he was by no means acting out of kindness.

  “Anything,” I said.

  Steel Wire’s eyes widened. He let out a low whistle as if he were surprised by my response.

  “Anything?”

  “Yes.”

  “Even if you could die?”

  “Fuck,” Gon said quietly. Steel Wire straightened, clearly amused.

  “Okay, let’s see what you’ve got. I’m very curious how much you’re willing to take for this asshole.” Steel Wire smiled. “Don’t be hard on yourself if you can’t take it. It just proves you’re human.”

  Gon shut his eyes tight as Steel Wire walked closer to me. I didn’t close my eyes. I looked straight at what would become of my reality.

  71

  People later asked me why I hadn’t run away. Why I’d stayed until the end. I told them I’d only done what was easiest for me, the only thing someone who can’t feel fear could do.

  * * *

  Like a fluorescent light flickering on and off, I slipped in and out of consciousness. When I came to, the intensity of pain was so strong. Strong enough to wonder why the human body was designed to endure so much of it. Painful enough to think it was unfair that I still hadn’t fully shut down.

  I saw glimpses of Gon. Sometimes in a blur, sometimes clearly. My brain must’ve been in error. I saw how scared he was. Now I understood a little what it meant to be frightened. It was like desperately gasping for air in a place without oxygen. That was how Gon was looking at me.

  Gon’s face turned blurry. I thought my sight had become fuzzy, but it hadn’t. Gon’s face was smudged with tears. He was wailing. Stop, please stop. Hurt me instead. His shout seemed endless. I wanted to shake my head to tell him that he didn’t have to say that, but I was already worn out.

  72

  The memory flashed into my mind. The day when Gon had torn off th
e butterfly’s wings, when he’d tried to teach me empathy but couldn’t. Around dusk that day, Gon cleaned the remains of the butterfly smeared on the ground, crying all the while.

  “I wish I could never feel fear, pain, guilt, everything . . .” he had said in a teary voice.

  “That’s not something anyone can just do. Besides, you are too full of emotions. I think you’d rather make a good artist or a musician,” I’d said after some thought.

  Gon had laughed, his eyes wet.

  That day had been in the summer, unlike now when every gasp of pain came out as white vapor. The peak of summer. Summer. Had that day really existed? When everything was green and lush and full? Everything we’d experienced together, was it truly real?

  * * *

  Gon had often asked me—what it was like to be fearless. What it was like to feel nothing. Even though I struggled to explain every time, he always came back and asked me the same question.

  I also had so many questions left unanswered. At first, I wondered what went through that man’s mind when he stabbed Granny. But that question led to another one. Why did people know yet pretend not to know? I had no idea what to make of them.

  There was this day when I was visiting Dr. Shim. On the TV screen, a boy who had lost both his legs and an ear from a bombing was crying. A news report on a war happening somewhere in the world. Dr. Shim was watching the screen with no expression on his face. Hearing my footsteps, he turned around, greeting me with a friendly smile. My eyes were locked on the boy behind his smile. Even a fool like me can see the boy’s hurt. That he’s in extreme pain from a terrible, tragic incident.